Your evaluation of our planet is a total fabrication—a hoax based on bad science. Our twilights are even more spectacular, and no one suffers anymore from the cold unless they crank up their A/C—and if you don’t submit a serious bid, we’re going to blow it all up!

Stephen Tilden is retired and strapped in for whatever happens next. This was written as a reply to S Govinjaraj’s Adieu Earth.