Change is hard, and one of the hardest things about it is that sometimes people you love can’t accompany you any further on your journey.

That’s what happened to Kate and Toby.

This Is Us Season 6 Episode 9 explored the beginning of the end of their marriage. Now that these two have finally been honest with each other, it all makes sense.

Toby and Kate’s latest argument made them both aware that they’ve grown in different directions. Toby said that the only way to keep their family together was for Kate to move to San Francisco, but that wasn’t a feasible option because she’d have had to give up too much of what made her happy.

You’re living the life you want to live, being supermom to the kids and living with your brother. You finally get to be the most realized version of yourself and all you needed to do was get me out of the house.

Toby

Their marriage didn’t end with a knockout, nasty fight. It ended because of a thousand moments of drifting apart until the distance between them was too much for them ever to transcend.

It’s sad, but at the same time, I’m glad they’ve both grown into themselves, even if it meant growing apart.

Toby and Kate’s final, heartbreaking conversation said it all. He’s happy in San Francisco, working at a job that makes him feel valued. She’s happy in Los Angeles, taking care of the kids, teaching music, and being near her family.

There was no way they could reconcile both of their needs. No matter which city they lived in, someone would have to give up the life they’d worked so hard to build.

The tragedy was that Toby was doing what he was doing partially to provide for his family and especially for their disabled son.

Other things were going on too — feeling visible and valued after a lifetime of the opposite was a big draw, and Toby didn’t seem to know how to put down the phone and be fully present with Kate. Still, fear of not being able to afford everything Jack would need was a major reason for Toby to take and keep that job.

But Toby’s insistence on living and working in San Francisco contributed to the couple drifting apart.

It didn’t help that Toby unilaterally decided that Kate would need to make all the sacrifices. He told her that keeping the family together meant moving to San Francisco, and more than that, he made arrangements to buy a house for them before discussing it with her.

If these two could have sat down and discussed how best to work things out for their family, there might have been a chance for them to stay together. But Toby’s determination to bring Kate and the kids there without listening to or considering Kate’s concerns was a dealbreaker.

Of course, Kate isn’t blameless either. She kept smiling and saying everything was fine when it wasn’t, so things built up.

These communications problems between Kate and Toby were nothing new. Their marriage began falling apart after Toby lost all that weight and began hanging out at the gym and discussing his marital woes with his CrossFit partner instead of with Kate.

The Damons seemed to have weathered that storm, but they were putting plaster over a gaping wound, and when Toby moved to San Francisco, everything imploded.

The silver lining here is that they most likely will part company as friends and co-parent the kids amicably, though it may be hard for Jack to travel back and forth between cities to spend time with both his parents.

There was no animosity at the end. There was simply the acknowledgment that they had grown in different directions and were no longer fighting the world together.

It almost seemed inevitable.

Could it have ended differently? Maybe, but the festering issues would have had to have been addressed far earlier.

The lack of communication was a big problem, as was Kate’s desire for Toby to have stayed the way he was when she first met him.

Toby’s depression and desire to feel valued drove him to act in the ways that he did, and Kate’s insecurities after he lost weight didn’t help anything, either.

And Toby also had a hard time dealing with Jack’s disability from the beginning. He and Kate were never on the same page about how to help their son, and he was uncomfortable with him for a long time.

All of those things contributed to the unraveling of this once-strong marriage, and now that Kate has decided to try for a new position at her current job, there’s no going back.

The scenes from the past provided an interesting contrast. Kate was always reluctant to try anything that felt dangerous, especially anything physical. She wouldn’t get in the pool, and she wouldn’t climb the fence.

So it was a big deal for her to decide to go for the job she wanted, even if it meant sacrificing her marriage. It was the mental equivalent of that hill she pushed herself to climb.

It seems like that difficult choice was her way of following Rebecca’s advice to stop living small. I’m curious about what’s next for Kate and how this translates into her falling for her boss.

Your turn, This Is Us fanatics. Hit the big, blue SHOW COMMENTS button and let us know what you thought of the unraveling of Toby and Kate’s marriage and Kate’s decision.

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And don’t forget to check back later in the week for our This Is Us Round Table discussion.

This Is Us airs on NBC on Tuesdays at 9 PM EST / PST.

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